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WHATEVER HAPPENED TO VANDAL RAPTOR? UK tour

Supporting Jollyboat, Knaresborough: 22nd June

Brig-Aid Fundraiser, Fruit, Hull: 23rd June

Slam Dunk, Hastings: 28th June

Word Club, Leeds: 29th June

Verse Matters, Sheffield, 5th July

Say Owt @ Deer Shed Festival, 21st July

Say Owt @ Great Yorkshire Fringe, York: 25th July

Working Title, Lancaster, 26th July

Nerd Punk, Edinburgh fringe @Banshee Labyrinth 19.50 13th August

Poetry Jam, Durham: 4th October

Saturday, 7 December 2013

"I like whales"

“I like whales” she said as she pinned another whale poster to her wall, adding to the vast collection sprawled over whale wallpaper.

She took a moment to admire the poster, lost for a brief second at the merriment of the blubbery behemoth exploding from the sea.

She tore her gaze away, and it fell upon the man bound and gagged upon her bed.  The bed with the whale-themed sheets and pillow.  The bed that was shaped like a whale.

His eyes were iced with fear, illuminated by the whale-shaped bedside lamp.

“I like whales” she repeated, fumbling her ‘I Whales’ badge pinned proudly to her chest.

She began to fumble in her drawer, casting aside underwear and socks dotted in happy, smiling whales.  Until she found what she was looking for.

She held aloft the hammer and chisel and moved, like a titanic marine mammal, towards the man who squirmed like a pathetic, limp seal.


“That’s why the only man I could ever love” she said “Would need a blowhole.”

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